Stop Signs

Sometimes things end that aren't supposed to. Jobs, friendships, relationships with a significant other or family member.

When it has to do with people, though, it is hard to know which direction to turn your thoughts. Inward for reflection or outward for an overview of what the heck happened? And how difficult is it to not assign some blame or all the blame to the other party? Sometimes it really is you. Sometimes it really is the other person and sometimes, it really is a combination. Wanting that clarity is _healthy_. This should be a time for you to grow closer to God and ask Him for clearer vision. Most of the time, it will be a combination. And there is a lot of room for growth there, because you can work on your part of it. Not because it will restore the relationship, not even because it will make you feel better. But because God has asked something of you and when you respond in obedience, meaning being willing to be humble enough to be taught what he has brought to the table, your once confused, angry, hostile, devastating, injured self will be transformed by God's blessing of your obedience.

I read a book on forgiveness by Kay Bruner several months ago and she talks about how our job is to forgive and God's job is to heal. I never thought about it that way- and truly, we ALL know a penetrating wound that still zings when you think of what happened- that CAN only be mended by God. And when God tends to those broken places, the quietness and stillness in ours hearts is close and real AND permanent. Will we have scars? Yes. Will we be able to recall the pain? Yes, but that will fade and other better and good things will come into your life. These situations are not failures, these are momentary afflictions preparing us for eternal glory. 2 Corinthians 4:17

With a little help:

Sometimes people just cannot be who you thought they were or what you wanted them to be. Or maybe YOU can't be what someone else has asked or possibly demanded from you. Maybe it was unfair of you to have expectations of someone else. But is it really some sort of injustice to that other person if you develop a relationship and begin to believe the behavior they present you with (TRUST) and then they morph into someone you no longer even recognize? Maybe the expectations you had were from the person they told you they were when you met, but as they became more of who they really are and time enough passed that there was no possible way to fake it, the two paradigms fit less and less. And the clash between who you thought they were and who they truly are is like dumping out two boxes of puzzle pieces and trying to assemble it into one big puzzle.

When legalism creeps in and devours truth, when silence hides secrets, when there is contempt where you thought there was once love, when a heart has gone deaf, when toxicity clouds reality, for whatever other destructive symptoms.....doors must close.

I have tried everything that is within the realm of my human capacity to do- both healthy AND, yes, unhealthy. Now, I am turning every single ounce of it over to God. My hands are completely off.

Thank you, God!!!!!!!

Here is the book I highly recommend from Kay:
Debunking The Myths of Forgive-and-Forget

Take Care With "Bible Verse" Memes

Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:34

I saw this verse "from" the Psalm when I logged in to Facebook this morning. And it struck me funny. A dissonant chord. First of all, it is uplifting to see people make memes of bible verses and want to share it. It is taking a stand for the gospel, it is showing heart, and it could very well encourage someone. Second, it becomes problematic, even dangerous when it looks so pretty you overlook its accuracy.

Danger is putting it mildly. When we adulterate God's word by changing the order of how it was arranged originally, we risk changing the message. And in Revelation it warns us not to add or subtract from the word of God. Not a suggestion, not a disclaimer. A straight-up warning from God.

We can easily put God's word into colloquial terms that it was never meant to be in; God's word is meant not to just be skimmed or read through but to be studied, understood and applied. That takes effort. When applying God's word it is also very important to note that we must do the best we can to filter what is in the word with the Holy Spirit's discernment and not inject our own meaning into it. Yes, we absolutely should personalize it. But, not change it so much that it becomes a reflection of a god you created and not our Holy Savior.

(I absolutely acknowledge that there are cultural references in the word as it was written, but if you notice, there is no need to give another example than what is already there. The meaning is not veiled or difficult to understand, though at times it may take some digging. What a great example for a relationship. Sometimes, certain situations [read: passages] require more effort for understanding.)

Now, back to the Psalm. The way it is written, it seems to say that there is a trade-off. If you trust in the Lord, then He will give you the desires of your heart. I have heard this adulterated version before and the other thing that comes readily to mind is that the desires of our hearts should flow from our submission and obedience to God- He is actually determining the desires of our hearts. We are so dependent upon Him that our needs and desires are like fruits of the spirit. The fruits can only be there if we are walking with God doing the LEADING. But, this verse makes it sound like we determine what we want and God rewards us for trusting him by giving us those things we admitted we desire.

In the NASB version, this verse isn't even close:

Wait for the LORD and keep His way, And He will exalt you to inherit the land; When the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

What??? I checked the ESV and it is identical to the NASB. Even the KJV is very close to the NASB. I use the website BlueLetterBible.com any time I want to check another translation easily. Biblegateway.com actually has over 150 translations and it wasn't even The Message or The Living Translation.

So, in the NASB version, there is an instruction and a promise and a glimpse of consequences for those not going God's way. "Wait for the Lord" means you are hoping, trusting, expecting from God. (Strong's Commentary clarified this.) Trust is putting it too simply. It then says, "keep His way." This brings me back to leaning completely on, relying utterly on the Lord. There are some days that I wonder if I can put one foot in front of the other were it not for the Holy Spirit carrying me. Keeping His way is a daily, often moment-by-moment struggle. And yet, that portion is completely left out in this meme version.

It talks about inheriting the land. At the time, being a landowner, especially in the "right" places, was a status symbol. So, it is NOT that God will not let people prosper. It says that God will allow you to inherit land and that even implies it will be gifted to you. But the important question is why. Because you waited on the Lord and kept His way. Not wayS. Way. There is only ONE way. Doing acrobatics about what that means? The bible is clear. See John 14:6. The way, the truth, and the life is Christ- learning who He is, letting Him be Lord in your life, pointing always in the direction of His glory and trying not to falter because the effort is even a form of worship.

But, here is the kicker. The desires of our hearts. I really do not want to overuse the verse from Jeremiah that says our hearts are deceitful because they are in the fact that we are born already fallen because of Adam and we tend to go the world's way or our own way over God's way. BUT, the desires of our hearts can be equally God-glorifying if we are truly putting God's word into practice. It just comes back to the fact that this meme does not qualify the desires- it makes it sound like if we want a 20-foot yacht since we desire it, it must be good and highly probably God will provide it. The devil wants us to be ok with messing with God's word. 

I just want to caution you that when someone makes a meme and says it is a bible verse, that may not be the truth. And even if it is, there is a context to take into consideration. I have to remind myself to see it through God's eyes, not to impose my own desired meaning to a text. 

Side-Swiped, Dumbfounded and Thankful for Being Uninvited!

Have you ever been going along, doing life the best way you know how, and out of nowhere you are side-swiped?

The side-swipe aftershock:

• is it because of the devastating fall-out? 
• is it more subtle than that, where you just sway unsteady on your feet with your mouth gaping open as you observe through a fog the wreckage where there had once been a profoundly less  grotesque view? 
• is it because what has been uncovered was not for that person or group to expose and their presumptuous liberty was like a surgeon forgetting to close up the wound he or she created?
• is it because of who was involved in the situation?
• is it because re-framing it to a more palatable version is all that haunts your mind as details swirl and linger and sting?
• is it because you cannot even delve in to begin processing because you remain suspended in a sort of emotional shock?
• is it because there was betrayal of evil proportion?
• is it because you suspect you may have contributed in some way to where reality has brought you, but not proportionally logical?
• is it because it is unfathomable that humans can be so cruel?
• is it because you allowed yourself to be completely transparent, even in the ugly and dusty corners, and in response you were trampled, rejected, betrayed on a deeper level than you thought this other person or people were capable of?
• Which of these questions is destructive and which are constructive?

Being hit from an angle that implies peripheral vision, not in full view or awareness before impact, but a crushing, destructive crash, nonetheless. Is this how Jesus must have felt before he prayed in Gethsemane? Some sort of subconscious mechanism at work? Knowing but not embracing fully until it is so in your face that you cannot look away, pretend or deny what IS irreversibly happening. That must be, to some degree, what it feels like to receive a prognosis that begins the end-of-life countdown much sooner than later.

At the same time, in hindsight, do you see the warning signs you were given? A gut feeling, a dread, a gnawing in the back of your mind that will not go away. The tweak of an interpersonal dynamic that surprised you. The backhanded comment of someone who revealed too much but plays dumb in the hope of you overlooking their accidental revelation. The introduction of a new pattern, behavior, or comment through a seemingly innocuous method by someone who was heretofore relatively consistent, as humans go. 

Worst of all is when the side-swipe was deliberate. That makes it a hit and run. What if you clearly see that the intended outcome was distorted by unclear/dangerous motives before they set their actions in motion?

The damage needs to be examined so you can pick out the barbs that were just meant to cause more pain from the truth underneath. And if you are experiencing that confused state, there were barbs mixed in with the message.

Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." What happens when the wound was distorted by self-righteousness, judgement, legalism and a lack of grace in the deepest places? One begins to think the wound was not from a friend.

Lysa Terkeurst just released a book at the beginning of August called Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less-Than, Left Out and Lonely. If I had not read this book before being the target of a messy, injurious hit and run recently, I don't know how well I would have weathered that "accident." I know I would have tried to muster through, white-knuckle it with prayer, grit my teeth and wonder how long I'd have to barely hang on. But, with Lysa's instruction, my perspective was re-routed, I was reminded, and re-taught. I was directed to lean more into God, to believe that despite circumstances He always has my back, that my situation was no accident and God is FOREVER AND ALWAYS my great comforter, protector, healing, teacher, savior. I am learning that this  turn of events that I would have once considered absolutely devastating may actually be God's way of protecting me and drawing out the best in me instead. The trajectory is new and I am ok with that, no matter where it leads because God's got this! And, what is my part in this? What can I examine, take before the Lord and rectify vertically and horizontally? One of my favorite Psalms is chapter 91 and Lysa put in great effort to discuss and encourage with this passage. I am very fond of charts- making them, looking at them after they have been created, and then using them. Lo and behold, charts are an excellent way to visualize where you have been and where you may need to head. Lysa has one of those, too!!! Simple, but _VERY_ applicable. If you are honest with yourself, YOU have been rejected multiple times in your life. So, that means this book is an important book for all of us to have, read and use as a guide for practicing some really solid Christian living in a realm that is fraught with complicated emotions with few excelling role models. Yet, she has a way of being so straight-forward, the mire seems manageable, realistic, and truthful. I so appreciate it when an author is careful to monitor that they are not coming across as "I know better than you because, well, LOOK! I am writing a BOOOOK about the <topic at hand>!!!" I typed up 20+ pages of notes when I read it the first time and now I am going back and re-reading my notes, putting some in an artistic journal for myself, and preparing to go through the book again with an online bible study group. And I was so moved by this book, I bought two more of hers for later: Becoming More and What Happens When Women Walk In Faith.

So, I have some damage control to do. Whiplash is a tricky thing. It may or may not require some propping up. The pain can come and go. There may be tender spots, and I might even need some pain relief. I know where to go for all of this. And if the injury is not making progress, I will seek more accountability as maintains this path. Not looking to the left or right. Not looking back. In God, I am well-equipped!

The Broken Beautiful

Especially inspiring to me is this song by Ellie Holcomb:

Her music reminds me of what I hope my soul sounds like to the Lord. Not my singing voice, not my own worship. But when I am nakedly, without my flesh, standing before the Lord, I want to be transparent like her voice makes me feel. And it makes me think that I might even have a sense of whimsy for being so free to be with my Lord.

Now, I know it has been months and months since I posted. And I am not who I was back then. God has done something in me. God has done more than tweak my rough spots, more than sanctifying me around the edges, more than smoothing my curves. He has dug me up by the roots first, turned me upside down, gently shaken me, removed me from the bitter soil I was trying to grow in and replanted me by His still waters. (Psalm 23, Jeremiah 17:8) He has become my sunshine, my very breath.

I am not writing those things to be dramatic or to be poetic. I was saved already when this process began about the time I last posted, actually. So, it is not a rebirth. It is God pulling me near, it is the nest I have found him lining with his love and protection.

Like in Psalm 91:4
He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

It is a discovery of soil for my slightly pathetic roots that I didn't think could be so sweet, so complete and nourishing, so pure no matter what else is swirling around my proximity. And yet, the new soil transforms my roots!! That surprised me. I just wasn't expecting it- I mean, my meager roots could only be meager, right? No way! Not when God gets ahold of you!!!

Today, I have joy. The people who know me will know how much of a victory this is for me, IN THE LORD. This week has been the darkest week I have faced, perhaps in my life. And God just keeps pouring on the love. That does not mean tomorrow I will feel exactly like this. But, for today and right now, I am resting in this profound peace.

I am going to share my journey soon. And I hope that this will be a place of comfort and inspiration and truth for you.

Against All Grain

If you are gluten free and have not tried any recipes from Danielle Walker, you are simply missing out in humongous, ridiculous amounts of taste, nutrition and satisfaction. Do yourself a favor and make her sandwich bread. I have not had good gluten-free bread since going off gluten and that has been more than 3 YEARS! _Without_ Bread_!!!

The whole house smells of warm, cozy homemade bread and I cannot wait to taste it and report back. Hubby and I also spent an entire day making bone broth and from a 4-pound bird, it yielded over 8 cups of stock. Also from Against All Grain and definitely worth the effort.

Talk about God being on my side in this journey, I was looking for the food processor Ms. Walker recommends, and guess what??? WAL-MART, of all places, had ONE model left, ON SALE.

My next undertaking....fermented veg!

Lots of new things

I know it has been an obtuse amount of time since I last posted. Life has been a whirlwind and God's hand is working profoundly in my life and in our family.


First of all, I am beginning the journey of venturing into the world of employment again. However, it is a God-lead opportunity that will bring growth, education and talent into conjunction. How humbling that we serve a God that knows us better than we know ourselves.


 So much of what is happening seems forward-focused and I can really dig in to that!


We will be heading on the biggest road trip of my life soon- to San Marcos, CA for Stoa's National Speech and Debate Tournament. Sharing a condo with very dear friends. So excited I can barely stand it. I went to San Diego when I was a mere 18 years old and hopefully, we will get to see some of the sites I once saw through very naïve eyes. I can guarantee, 40 is better!! 


Without being specific at all, there are other new things brewing. Cannot wait to divulge!!!

The War on Christmas is a new book edited, compiled and partially authored by Bodie Hodge who is associated with Answers in Genesis. You can find the book here: New Leaf Publishing. I am privileged to be part of the launch team and to have the opportunity to review the book!

The layout, atypical size, photography, explanatory graphs, lists and other illustrations and the numerous topics that are addressed make quite a launching point to discuss Christmas, Christ and ultimately the Gospel. Hodge has taken head-on the controversy over what Christmas is or should be, forth-rightly questioning what the reader worships, pointing us back again and again to a variety of scriptures.

Having grown up in the church, I was shocked that I had many things just plain wrong about this holiday. The taboo topic of whether or not we should come clean with the greatest grown-up hoax- Santa Claus- is discussed. Christ's lineage, Joseph's role, Mary's virginity, the nativity, the “three” wise men, the role of the Christmas tree are also thoroughly researched and well-explained, often ending a chapter either with the respective author's individual gospel presentation or a challenge to consider our familial traditions and holiday habits. Here is one such example of the beginning of the gospel presentation, page 68, “The reason so many reject Jesus, the light of the world (John 8:12), is because they love the sin that Christ's light exposes.”

The most extraordinary chapter of the book from my reading, was Dr. Jason Lisle's chapter on the Christmas Star. The Magi, King Herod, and the shepherds all make an appearance in this section and the heavens are revealed as never before. Being one of the longest chapters of the book, it is perhaps one of the most informative as well.

If you think you know your Christmas history, take the quiz you can find on pages 106-107. You will most likely get at least one answer wrong because we have all heard so many versions of Christ's birth, of the circumstances, of the angels, of Mary and Joseph, and the historical context. We may not successfully separate myth from truth without the effort of Hodge's book to navigate this most important of events to mankind's history and eternal hope- even if the Bible doesn't instruct us to make Christ's birth an official holiday.