The side-swipe aftershock:
- is it because of the devastating fall-out?
- is it more subtle than that, where you just sway unsteady on your feet with your mouth gaping open as you observe through a fog the wreckage where there had once been a profoundly less grotesque view?
- is it because what has been uncovered was not for that person or group to expose and their presumptuous liberty was like a surgeon forgetting to close up the wound he or she created?
- is it because of who was involved in the situation?
- is it because re-framing it to a more palatable version is all that haunts your mind as details swirl and linger and sting?
- is it because you cannot even delve in to begin processing because you remain suspended in a sort of emotional shock?
- is it because there was betrayal of evil proportion?
- is it because you suspect you may have contributed in some way to where reality has brought you, but not proportionally logical?
- is it because it is unfathomable that humans can be so cruel?
- is it because you allowed yourself to be completely transparent, even in the ugly and dusty corners, and in response you were trampled, rejected, betrayed on a deeper level than you thought this other person or people were capable of?
- Which of these questions is destructive and which are constructive?
Being hit from an angle that implies peripheral vision, not in full view or awareness before impact, but a crushing, destructive crash, nonetheless. Is this how Jesus must have felt before he prayed in Gethsemane? Some sort of subconscious mechanism at work? Knowing but not embracing fully until it is so in your face that you cannot look away, pretend or deny what IS irreversibly happening. That must be, to some degree, what it feels like to receive a prognosis that begins the end-of-life countdown much sooner than later.
At the same time, in hindsight, do you see the warning signs you were given? A gut feeling, a dread, a gnawing in the back of your mind that will not go away. The tweak of an interpersonal dynamic that surprised you. The backhanded comment of someone who revealed too much but plays dumb in the hope of you overlooking their accidental revelation. The introduction of a new pattern, behavior, or comment through a seemingly innocuous method by someone who was heretofore relatively consistent, as humans go.
Worst of all is when the side-swipe was deliberate. That makes it a hit and run. What if you clearly see that the intended outcome was distorted by unclear/dangerous motives before they set their actions in motion?
The damage needs to be examined so you can pick out the barbs that were just meant to cause more pain from the truth underneath. And if you are experiencing that confused state, there were barbs mixed in with the message.
Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." What happens when the wound was distorted by self-righteousness, judgement, legalism and a lack of grace in the deepest places? One begins to think the wound was not from a friend.
Lysa Terkeurst just released a book at the beginning of August called Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less-Than, Left Out and Lonely. If I had not read this book before being the target of a messy, injurious hit and run recently, I don't know how well I would have weathered that "accident." I know I would have tried to muster through, white-knuckle it with prayer, grit my teeth and wonder how long I'd have to barely hang on. But, with Lysa's instruction, my perspective was re-routed, I was reminded, and re-taught. I was directed to lean more into God, to believe that despite circumstances He always has my back, that my situation was no accident and God is FOREVER AND ALWAYS my great comforter, protector, healing, teacher, savior. I am learning that this turn of events that I would have once considered absolutely devastating may actually be God's way of protecting me and drawing out the best in me instead. The trajectory is new and I am ok with that, no matter where it leads because God's got this! And, what is my part in this? What can I examine, take before the Lord and rectify vertically and horizontally? One of my favorite Psalms is chapter 91 and Lysa put in great effort to discuss and encourage with this passage. I am very fond of charts- making them, looking at them after they have been created, and then using them. Lo and behold, charts are an excellent way to visualize where you have been and where you may need to head. Lysa has one of those, too!!! Simple, but _VERY_ applicable. If you are honest with yourself, YOU have been rejected multiple times in your life. So, that means this book is an important book for all of us to have, read and use as a guide for practicing some really solid Christian living in a realm that is fraught with complicated emotions with few excelling role models. Yet, she has a way of being so straight-forward, the mire seems manageable, realistic, and truthful. I so appreciate it when an author is careful to monitor that they are not coming across as "I know better than you because, well, LOOK! I am writing a BOOOOK about the <topic at hand>!!!" I typed up 20+ pages of notes when I read it the first time and now I am going back and re-reading my notes, putting some in an artistic journal for myself, and preparing to go through the book again with an online bible study group. And I was so moved by this book, I bought two more of hers for later: Becoming More and What Happens When Women Walk In Faith.
So, I have some damage control to do. Whiplash is a tricky thing. It may or may not require some propping up. The pain can come and go. There may be tender spots, and I might even need some pain relief. I know where to go for all of this. And if the injury is not making progress, I will seek more accountability as maintains this path. Not looking to the left or right. Not looking back. In God, I am well-equipped!
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